“Skip School & Organize A Climate Strike” reads the website of a religious extremist group. The gods are angry with
mankind Personkind, for his their sinful industriousness has given rise to inequality between peoples. For giving this offense to the Climate Goddesses, we are condemned to live in a world in which weather conditions change in perpetuity.
It sounds ominous, I know, but fear not, fellow creature. No matter which of the infinite genders you identify as, there is hope for our collective salvation. If we only make the proper sacrifices, ill-defined though they may be, we can live in a veritable monoclimatic paradise, in which no man, woman, non-binary, nor two-spirit, need purchase clothing for more than a single season.
The path to uniclimatism is long and arduous, but this is the test of our faith which the Goddesses of temperature, precipitation, and breeze, have set for us, and we must meet it, lest we be cursed with this sin for eternity.
Our redemption begins with a global strike, to be led by those who are paid for the service.
The children who have committed the sin of being born, must flee their classrooms studies and bathe their wickedness in the restorative air of flamboyant ignorance.
The workers who constitute the armies of industrial evil, must too flee their posts. As they take to the streets, they will rinse away their corruption through the glory of unproductive activism.
The handful of incredibly wealthy people who have come to epitomize the inequality for which we must be forgiven, shall find their absolution in financing this holy endeavor, without the slightest impact on their bottom line, of course. For without this indulgence, our glorious Climate Based Faith would have no means by which to spread its goodness to the masses.
Once we have all abandoned our labors and our studies. We must then take our vows.
Hear my words and bear witness to my vow.
Climate changes, and now my watch begins.
It shall not change again until my death.
I shall take no spouse, hold no lands, parent no children.
I shall wear no crowns and win no glory.
I shall live and die in idleness.
I shall strive to accomplish nothing.
I am the thermometer in the darkness.
I am the watcher of the weather.
I am the dust that guards the weathervane.
I pledge my life and honor to the Goddesses of Climate, for this season until there are no seasons.
With the shame of our sins behind us, and our vows true in our hearts, we must now set off to spread the Goddesses word to the infidels.
All shall kneel before her magnificence, but let it not be said that we are intolerant. As we bring the glory of the One True Faith to the masses, our good friend, the Jew, shall be spared the sword of conversion. The Islamist too, shall be spared, so long as he bear not his fangs against the non-binary, lest we meet the wrath of his exploding shirt!
The followers of the lower case T however, must disavow their false God to be spared the boot of her divine intervention.
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